Suddenly
by gleeme33
Summary: That's not fair. Life's not fair. Death's not fair. My attempt at angsty poetry. Finchel


**Hi guys! So, want to know a little fact about me? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I think I really like angst-y writing. Don't know why. I have journals and journals full of poetry-like writing, sort of like my fic **_**Drowning**_**. I always thought…I don't know…like it was too depressing to write out. But…I kind of like it. So, here I am. I've decided to see if angst writing is a style I want to go for, or if it's just a helpless flirtation. So, here we are. This was inspired by Sara Shepard's **_**The Lying Game**_**. There's a chapter in that book where the girl who was murdered describes her death, and I thought I'd give something like that a try, just as an experiment. If you like it, I might do more with this. If you don't, I'll just delete it and we can all pretend this never happened. I really, **_**really **_**liked writing **_**Drowning**_**, so this is kind of like that. I tried with **_**This Isn't Happening**_**, but that became too sad and not angst-y enough, so I just deleted it. Again, tell me if you think this is any good, or if you think I'm any good at this type of writing, because I really want to give it a whirl. Thanks. Okay, here we go…**

"_I had a life anyone would kill for. Then someone did. The worst part about being dead is that there's nothing left to live for. No more kisses. No more gossip. It's enough to kill a girl all over again..._" – Sara Shepard, _The Lying Game_

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

You realize something.

You realize that it's not worth it to fight any longer.

You've never been one for giving up,

And always been one for fighting 'til the end…

But now…

It seems like this _is _the end.

And…

Since you're at the end…

What's there left to fight for?

What happens when you reach the end?

Are you just supposed to drop everything, because you've reached it?

Because you've gotten to the point

You always said you'd fight 'til?

What's the point in that?

What's the point in any of this?

Your whole body hurts.

Your lungs are starting to burn for air.

Your head feels dizzy, dizzier, and dizziest.

Your vision is spotty and dulled.

You want to scream,

You want to cry,

You want to _fight_.

Your throat screams, trying to breathe,

But you can't. Your airway can't expand.

You can't breathe.

You _can't breathe_.

You try to think,

But the only thing you can think of…

Is 'They're killing me, they're killing me'.

And you don't even know who 'they' are.

That's not fair.

Life's not fair.

Death's not fair.

Now you loose the feeling in your fingers, your toes…

You realize something else now.

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

You realize something else.

_The pain._

_Goes._

_Away._

When you give up, that is.

_The pain._

_Gets._

_Worse._

When you keep fighting, that is.

You know you can't keep fighting now.

You know it's no use.

Because they're killing you.

You know those thoughts are true now.

You've never been one to give up,

And, most of the time,

You _shouldn't _give up!

But, now…

They're killing you.

Literally.

And then…

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

Your lungs stop burning.

Your head isn't so dizzy.

Your vision goes black and spotty.

And your whole body stops hurting.

You no longer want to scream.

You no longer want to cry.

You're above that now.

Because suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

You realize one last thing.

Sometimes,

You have to know when to stop fighting,

And to just be.

Something sharp pulls into your neck again.

Your head jerks back again.

You can't breathe again.

You can barely make out the sharp twang of the knife at your throat

As your eyes are forced closed again.

But this time

You aren't as afraid.

Sure, you're still paralyzed with fear and all,

But it isn't as bad now.

That white-hot, blazing fear you felt when the knife first connected with your throat…

It's dulled down now.

Because…

Now you know.

You know its inevitable now.

You wish.

You wish you knew who they were,

And you wish you knew why.

Why _you_.

You wish you could have said goodbye,

To all those people that you loved.

You wish you would have been more careful.

But now, a different feeling comes over you…

As your heart slows down,

As your lungs surrender.

You think about relief.

And happiness.

And peace.

And love.

And now,

I – _you_, I mean.

Have reached

_The end_.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

You never would have thought

That so many people

Would show up to your funeral.

You used to fantasize about your funeral.

But, that was all in good fun, you think.

That was before

You actually _had _a funeral.

You would fantasize about how sad the mourners would be…

But you never would have thought…

They would be…

_This _sad.

You want to tell them that you're sorry.

You want to tell _him _that you're sorry.

But there was really

Nothing

You could have done.

Because

You fought

'Til the end.

You wish

They could see you

The way you can see them

And always be with them.

You wish he could see you.

You wish you could talk with him,

Sit with him,

Sing with him.

You wonder

How they are.

How he is.

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

You gasp.

You gasp because

You saw

The look

On his face.

Now you just want to hold him

And hug him

And kiss him

And tell him

That it will be okay.

But you have the strangest feeling…

That he won't believe you.

You see their faces…

All eleven of them…

And you want to cry.

Simply because

They are crying.

All eleven of them.

'I'm sorry!' you want to yell to them. 'It wasn't my fault!'

But you know

They won't hear you.

You think back to that day,

As you do often.

You think about what happened.

You ask yourself

If it was the right time to stop fighting…

But you can't bring yourself

To think that you should have kept fighting…

Even when

They are crying.

All eleven of them.

People dressed in black

Speak about your life.

You watch

And you listen.

It's sad, but…

You watch.

And you listen

Anyway.

Your first reaction

Is to tell them not to be so sad.

You let a good life, you want to say.

But you know

They can't hear you.

Even if

You can

Hear them

And even when

You can

See them.

All eleven of them,

Crying.

Your body is buried,

And you feel a little bit sad.

But not really

Because

You're above that now.

Then, they leave.

All ten of them.

Yup, that's right.

_Ten_.

One does not leave.

One stays.

Because…

He can't bring himself to leave.

He can't bring himself to leave _you_.

You sit down next to him

Even though he can't see you.

You put your arms around him,

Even though he can't feel you.

You whisper in his ear:

"_It'll be okay, Finn_."

Even though he can't hear you.

And then,

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

He gets up

And leaves.

And…

That is when…

You break down

_And cry_.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Okay, you really don't know what the heck you're doing here.

You start to think that you're becoming kid of a stalker.

But you push those thoughts aside…

And just

Watch

And

Listen.

You see

A family.

A new family now.

Brothers.

There's a tree in the corner

And boxes

And boxes

And _boxes _

Of ornaments.

The new brothers look at each other,

Shrug,

And pick up an ornament.

They do this repeatedly.

For hours

And hours

And _hours_.

You figure that watching paint dry could be more entertaining…

But you can't

Bring yourself

To leave.

And then…

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

You realize something.

Seeing them…

Seeing _him_ smile

Makes you smile too.

But then you figure that you should probably be on your way now.

You look at him

And look up to the sky.

You wish you could stay,

But you know its inevitable now.

You turn to leave…

But something stops you.

You shake your head,

You refuse to cry…

To cry over your death any longer…

You _refuse_.

You clench your fist

And you _refuse_.

You refuse the sadness

You refuse the pain.

You think.

You think about

Relief

And happiness

And peace

And love.

_Love_.

But then…

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

He looks at you

As if he can see you.

He grabs your hand

As if he can feel you.

He whispers to you

As if he can hear you.

"Merry Christmas, Rachel."

You refuse

To cry.

You don't respond,

Because you know he can't hear you.

But then…

Suddenly,

Ever so suddenly,

You whisper:

"Merry Christmas, Finn."

And now, you know.

You know the truth

That there is no end

_To love_.


End file.
